You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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