I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
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I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
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Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one