We're facebook friends in real life
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
