dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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