I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
