i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
