I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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