you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
