I never want to see another naked old woman again.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
