Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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