Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
