The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
