My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think my fart just growled at me.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
