did you get engaged???
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
