Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
