i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
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I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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