I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
