if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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