Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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