I think my vagina is haunted
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
