i already hear my dad disowning me
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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