saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
