If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You can't just leave with hair like that
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
