I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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