John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
