I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
