Betty ford says i'm here all night
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
