after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
