Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
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