This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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