i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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