I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
