My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
