Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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