idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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