Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
