I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
