I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
