the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
