the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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