Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
