whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My ATM looks so different sober.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
