kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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