You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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