i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
