I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
