No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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