listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
