Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
