If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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