I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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