There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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