I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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