She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
