That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.