Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.