i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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